O'ryan,

Thank you for the your response. I was actually in Athens, Ohio at the time these events occured. The relationship started in early June, we conceived on August 9th sometime after 9:00 pm, and aborted on Sept. 1st, we went our separate ways in October 2006.

The Projections in the relationship were primarily mine, and were projections of a delusional nature. Basically I was lying to myself on a few different levels....

The hospice work was actually a bit unconventional and not connected with institutions or the hospice organization. I did in home care for a man who was dying of a brain tumor. We hung out and talked all kinds of things, I prepared meals, bong hits, and helped bob move or bath or whatever else he needed. I won't get into to much detail, but it was an amazing transformative experience. It was very helpful in keeping me from going over the deep end during the painful emotional choices and turmoil that were going on in the relationship.

I recently read a sidereal interpretation of my chart that did resonate strongly with me. I am most familiar with tropical interpretations and I resonate more strongly with the tropical interpretation, but that could be because that is all I have focused on over the years.....

Thank you again for taking the time...

Unsubconscious,

Transiting Neptune makes a lot of scene actually... I don't know how I overlooked that....

I can see how transiting Neptune was probably the dominant energey in my life at this time(and still is). Transiting Uranus in 1st house was probably also in play..... and transiting chiron in the 12th house trine my natal pluto.....

I have this theory that energy of Neptune transiting my 1st house and the square aspects transiting Neptune has made with my Scorpio planets act as catalyst for bring my deepest areas of dysfunction to the surface, allowing me to re-experience them and ideally learning the lessons, integrating them and moving on.

In the back to basics pluto thread I described my experiences with Pluto conjunct my Libra and scorpio planets. I mentioned building some strong walls as a coping mechanism to deal with the intensity of those years. Some of my dysfunctional habits and deep wounds could also be karmic, and related to other areas of my chart, most specifically my natal chiron in aries, 2nd house....

All this shit is interconnected, and I can see they interconnected dynamics at play, but it's difficult to articulate.

<<<And since you have all those natal planets in scorpio, it would be rather surprising if your relationships would NOT be intense... >>>

The synastry involved in this relationship is a story of it's own...... Re-visiting the synastry makes me think this is were pluto comes into play.....

She has a 12th h. Saturn in scorpio at 6 deg, conjunct 12th house sun in scorpio at 4 deg, conjunct 12th h. mercury Scorpio at 3 deg , conjunct 12th house pluto in Libra at 29 deg. She is also a Scorpio rising at 9 deg, and venus conjunct(1 deg orb) mars in Virgo 10th house...and more....

Her natal Pluto at 29 deg libra conjuncts my Natal Uranus in the same degree. There was defiantly interplay in our scorpio planets, and her natal 1st house Uranus at 9 deg sagitarus, conjuncts my Natal Neptune Sag at 8 deg, NN at 10 deg Sag, and Sag MC........

Looking at it now it seems like something karmic was going on....

The dynamics of the relationship are sort of complex(and personally embarrassing.. :S ...but I learned so much from the experience that I have few regrets.....). I would say it was a councilor, councilor, or student/teacher type relationship as described here...

www.kristinfontana.com/articl...ion.htm

This woman had just found out that she probably had genital herpes and the man she had been dating left her because of this...

I had intense pysical, magnetic, soul attraction to this woman(probably because of the synastry, and I also had a genuine desire to help her work through her shit.... She wanted nothing to do with romantic relationship and she made this very clear to me, she was also very open and honest about probably having genital herpes. She wanted me physical intimacy from me but not looking for sex. She was not opposed to a sexual relationship but very resistant because she did not want to expose me to herpes

This is were my delusions come in to play.... :D

acting out the neptunian martyr complex and basing my happiness on helping this woman...

I am 8 years older than her and at the time I felt like my life experience resonated with what she was going through, and I could somehow help her deal with the issues she was facing that resonated with my own experience. I told myself that it did not matter that she might have herpese, I wanted to make her feel like she was lovable(I really wanted to be loved)....
I told myself that I could be detached and not have expectations of how this relationship unfolded..... I told myself that I could be physically intimate with this woman and not lose myself in the experience..(I was lying to myself big time) In my mine I was being spontaneous, living in the moment, sharing my love...... completely blind to the fire I walking into.....

After a month of sleeping next her we ended up having unprotected sex...... Beyond having the most amazing sex of my life, the rest of our time together descended into shared trip to hell.....

We used condoms after that, but we would both pay for our care-less behavior and choices.... I think I also contracted herpes, but I have never been tested... I think I had an outbreak after exposure but never had one since.... from what I understand this is not uncommon.... b.t.w...I have shared this with every woman I have had intimate relations with since and used protection, but I think the reason i have never been tested is because not knowing has made me reluctant to open myself back up.... giving me the space I have needed to sort out my deep wounds......

The most painful aspect of this relationship for both of us was choosing to terminate the pregnancy. Choosing to end a life you have created is be an excruciatingly painful experience. At least it was for us...

She and I have discussed it since and we both believe we made the right choice for were we were in our lives at the time.....

<<<<Still, what you don't describe is the impact of all those events. Neptune transits usually leave you temporarily exhausted, drained, confused even with panic attacks sometimes (depending on how much you feel at ease with what neptune does to you - such as making you loose control). So... maybe it wasn't pluto after all?>>>>>


The impact of these experiences is another chapter that is still being written.....

I am happy to share more about that impact, but this post is already verbose, and like I said that's a whole other chapter......

I have gleaned all kinds of lessons, insights and integration from the above experience, but I am still in the thick of Neptune, chiron, and uranus transiting my 1st house.... Lots of PAIN being dredged up, but also a great deal of healing and integration....

As for Lililth conjunct my AC, square my Venus, Sun, Moon conjunction in scorpio, I think this is a very important area of my chart that I have very little understanding of....
I did recently read some interpretations of those aspect that resonated strongly. astrology.clairvision.org/astro...hboard (thank you so much for link mem!!)

I have a lot to learn when it comes to lillith and how she plays out in my chart.